Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
