if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
