I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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