I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
