Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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