i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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