i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
There's always time for handjobs
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
