The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
so let's talk penis.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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