Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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