cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
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