I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
