Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
