Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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