I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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