Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
