did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
