You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
