Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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