I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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