You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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