Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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