JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
