My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
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