Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
