She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
