this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i just sent this text using only my big toe
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
