Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
