At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
