Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
