I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Do you remember whose house we're in?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
