i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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