I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
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