Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
