I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Randomize
