I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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