She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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