I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
