2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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