i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
