It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I looked at my own cervix.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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