genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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