someone owes me an orgasm
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
