just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
