Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
