i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
