Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Randomize
