sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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