I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
