I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
This is my life. Enjoy the view
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
