Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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