butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
